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Between Master and Disciples

Begin the New Year with Positive Thinking, Part 11 of 12, Dec. 31, 2005

Lecture Language:English,Vietnamese (Tiếng Âu Lạc [Tiếng Việt]),Chinese (中文)
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A priest, drove a car. “Zig-zag, zig-zag.” So the police saw and stopped it, and said, “Father, have you been drinking?” You know, the priest. So, he said, “No, no. I just drink water, in the back there.” And so, the police looked in the back and saw a bottle of wine, not water.

A joke? (She’s got a joke.) You got a joke? OK. Chinese or English? (English.) Good. (The car Land Rover, always can find at the back of the car a wheel that writes “4x4.”) The wheel, 4 by 4. OK. (And the owner just got the car, it was a new car, and the next day, somebody wrote it, “= 16.”) “4 x 4” and then he wrote “= 16” on the wheel of the Land Rover. (Yes, the new car. And the owner tried to paint it off and made it nice and clean. Then the next day it happened again.) Again. (So, the owner got a good idea. He got a nice paint, just painted it nice and beautifully, “= 16.” Then he thought, “Oh, it solved the problem.” But the next day, he found the car there was a tick, “Yes.”) “You are right, huh?” (Yes.) OK. OK. (That’s right.) That reminds me of another joke.

There was a guy who parked just a simple car in the parking lot. And he put a cardboard outside, the sign, saying, “There’s nothing valuable in the car.” You know it, right? All of you? (No.) OK. So that people don’t break in. It said, “There’s nothing really valuable in my car.” When he came back, the car was broken, and everything turned upside down, inside out. He said, “My God! Why? I already wrote the sign like that: ‘Nothing valuable.’ Why somebody even bothered to break in my car?” And he looked in the compartment, there was a sign inside saying, “We just check if you tell the truth or not.”

OK, one more? You have? Any? Anybody upstairs or in the garage have a joke? (I feel shy, Master!) Shy? Me, too. But we are all family here. (Yes.) Just family! Yeah? (No.) No? Oh, too bad! Oh, well.

(I have one for “Drunk and Marriage.”) For what? Family? (Drunk and marriage.) OK. (It’s about one guy who was very drunk and went home. And next morning, he got up and found his wife made a very beautiful breakfast for him. But every time when he gets drunk and goes home, the next morning, his wife always scolds him and shows a very bad face to him. He got confused and...) You got it, guys? (No.) OK, OK. The wife always scolds her husband whenever he’s drunk and comes home. But this time he’s drunk, and wakes up in the morning with a beautiful breakfast, so he’s confused, wondering what’s happened. (Yes, and he asked his son, “What did I do last night?” His son said, “Last night when my mom took off your clothes, you said, ‘Get off me. I’m married.’”) “Get off me. I’m married.” When he was drunk, he said that. Because the wife was taking his clothes off for him, and he was drunk, he said, “Get off me! I’m married.” That’s why she’s happy. Good idea! OK, very good. Because people think that when they are drunk, they tell the truth. So, she’s happy that he is faithful. That’s what it is. OK. (Maybe he wasn’t that drunk?) Maybe! Who knows? He didn’t tell me. He pretended, huh? He pretended. Anyone? Oh, OK, good.

(There’s one here.) We go home, no? (We have one more here.) (It’s a very short one.) Alright. Don’t worry! Keep it long. (I heard that Winston Churchill, he was not a very nice man. And one day, there was a woman talking to him, “Sir, if I were your wife, I would give you poison to drink.” Then he said, “Well, if you were my wife, I would drink it.”) I would drink it. Wow. (My goodness!) My God! (He is cruel!) (Wow!) You didn’t clap like that when I told a joke. Go ahead!

(A Columbian dog’s in a jungle with his lord, and he got lost. And at this time, this panther was just about to eat him. He said, “Oh, my God! What do I do now?” He was a little dog! So, when he saw that the panther was just about to attack him, he started cleaning his nails and said, “That was a nice panther that I just ate!” So, the panther said, “Oh, my God! He’s a dangerous dog.” He just went. So, the monkey was looking at the dog, and then he went to the panther and said, “You know, you stupid panther. that dog just tricked you.” He said, “How come?” “I was just looking at everything. He didn’t eat any panther. There was just a skeleton of another animal there.” He said, “Well, prove it to me!” “Well, let’s go together.” So, then the dog was trying desperately to get his bearings around and he could not. Then he saw the panther again, but this time with the monkey. And so, “God! That monkey.” And then the panther said, “Alright, you stay here, and I’m going to eat that dog now.” So, the dog desperately said, “My God! Please, please! Enlighten me!” He said, “Ah! OK.” So, he went there and said, “That stupid monkey was taking long with the other panther. What would be the problem?”) Taking what? That stupid monkey what? (“The stupid monkey was taking too long with the other panther that I sent to bring him over here.” I just translate to You, Master, sorry.) Oh, OK, OK. OK. You understand? (There’s one more here.) You don’t understand? Because the panther is coming back with the monkey. So, the dog was trying desperately, so he said, “Oh! That stupid monkey! How come it took him so long to bring back this panther, the second panther?” It looked like he sent the monkey to send the panther for him to eat. Ha! Ha! (Thank You.) Good, good, good. (I need some more [non-alcoholic] champagne.) How many fingers already? Come on.

(There are these three guys, Van der Merwe and his friends. They are in the desert, and they come across a lamp. So Van der Merwe says, “You know, we must rub this lamp. You know, maybe there’s a genie inside it.”) You must what? Oh, rub the lamp. (Yes. So, they’re rubbing it, rubbing it, and all of a sudden, “Voom...” out comes this genie. So, the genie says, “I can grant you each one wish! Only one wish!” So, Van der Merwe’s one friend says, “Ah! I just want some water, just some water, so it can cool me down from this hot sun.” So, he says, “Your wish is my command!” So “Voom!” There comes the water. So, he’s very happy busy drinking his water and he’s cooling down. Then Van der Merwe’s other friend goes, “Ah! I only wish for a fan to cool myself down. That way, it would be better from the hot sun.” So, the genie goes, “Your wish is my command!” So “Voom!” Out comes the fan! So, he fans himself, and he’s very, very happy. So, Van der Merwe’s sitting there, really hard thinking, “What can I wish for?”) The third friend? (Yes.) OK. (So he goes, “Ah! I know!” So he goes, “Sorry, can I have a car door?” So, the genie looks at him, and the genie shakes his head, and he goes, “Your wish is my command!” So, “Voom!” He gets a car door. The other two are like, “A car door?” One’s got water, one’s got... “Why did you want a car door?” So, they go up to Van der Merwe and say, “Van der Merwe, why did you want a car door out of all the things you could have wished for?” So, Van der Merwe goes, “You know, when it gets hot, I can just roll down the window!”) OK. Good! Good!

I tell the joke meanwhile. Just she reminds me. There was a man who found a lamp. And rubbed, rubbed, rubbed, came out the genie. “Yes, master! What can I do for you?” Big and powerful! So, the so-called master said, “Well, of course, I want something nice, but how many things can I have?” He said, “You have only one wish.” “OK, let me think, let me think.” And he thought and he said, “Oh! You know what? Every day I have to drive very far in order to go across the river, to find the way to go across the river. Why don’t you just make me a bridge. And then I don’t have to drive the long way.” You know already the joke, huh? Never mind. So the genie looked at the river, so big and wide, and said, “Oh, my God! It’s very difficult! It would take like ten years to make it!” So, the man said, “Well, OK, OK. If it’s difficult, then make me understand my wife!” So, the genie said, “OK, OK. What color you want the bridge?” You know the joke, huh? Anyway, it’s on the internet.

What’s next? I think it’s late. We’re going home, eh? Family? (No!) No? (No!) Your family is not waiting for you? (No!) (My family is here.) I know. I just worry your family might think you should go home. (This is our family.) You OK? (Yes.) Alright. It’s hot, huh? (Open the door, will help.) (I’ll tell You a joke.) Tell us a joke! Finally! The turtle spoke. You’re so quiet.

(A policeman was driving along. He saw a car swerving along the road, and he stopped the car. He looked inside, and there was a priest in the car. He said, “Have you been drinking or something?” So the priest said, “No, no. I’ve only been drinking this water here in the back.” So the policeman looked into the back of the car, there was a bottle of wine there in the back seat. He picked up the bottle, and said, “This isn’t water!” The priest said, “My God! He’s done it again. It’s a miracle.”) It’s good. It’s a good one. (Good one, yes.) It’s a good one. You got it? No. (Yes.) (I didn’t get it.) You don’t, OK. A priest, drove a car. “Zig-zag, zig-zag.” So the police saw and stopped it, and said, “Father, have you been drinking?” You know, the priest. So, he said, “No, no. I just drink water, in the back there.” And so, the police looked in the back and saw a bottle of wine, not water. So, the priest said, “Oh, my God. It’s a miracle. He did it again.” Jesus, turned water into wine.

(There’s another one.) Another one. (Similar.) Yes, yes. (Yes, it’s similar. Not so funny though. But anyway... One day, there was a motor crash. Two cars were destroyed completely. The two people who were driving got out,) Yes. (a man and a woman. They said to each other, “Look! Our cars are completely wrecked, but we are perfectly OK, not one scratch. It must be fate.”) Yes. (So, the man said, “Look at this! Here, and this bottle of wine here. Everything else is destroyed, but this bottle of wine is completely untouched. It must be a sign that we should drink it.” So, the woman said, “OK. That’s fine. We’ll split it.” So, the man said, “OK. I’ll open it. Here’s yours. You go ahead.” The woman said, “You go ahead and drink yours first.” So, he drank half the bottle of wine. He said to her, “Are you not going to drink your wine?” She said, “No, I think I’ll just wait till the police get here.”) Understand. Then the police will blame all on the other person. Understand? That’s what it is. So better don’t drink, so, they can’t blame you for anything.

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