A teacher asked a student again, “Do you believe in life after death?” And the student replied, “Yes, yes, I sure do, Ma’am.” And the teacher said, “Yeah, yeah, I thought you did. Because you know what? Yesterday you told me that you stayed home to attend your grandfather’s funeral, but today he dropped by to say hallo to me.”
There was a kid going to school, rushing to go to school, and the mother told him, “John, please put on a new pair of socks, will you? And I mean every day.” So John said, “OK, Mom.” A week later, he complained to his mother, “Mom, I can’t get my shoes on anymore.” A pair of new socks, every day. Kids are very, very funny.
And there was a kid who overheard his parents say they were going to buy a minivan. And the kid, the son, said, “No! I don’t want a Minnie van. I want a Mickey van!” Minnie Mouse, Mickey Mouse. He wants a Mickey van; he doesn’t want a minivan.
There was a juror, who told the judge that he doesn’t want to be away from his job too long, serving on this case as a juror. So the judge said, “But, can they not function without you at work?” So, the man said, “Yes, but I don’t want them to know that.” Because if he stays too long, they’d know they don’t need him.
I think I told you this joke already, or to the residents, I’m not sure. So, in case. There was a guy who became a little drunk. My voice is so low today. There was a man who... I just feel like, too low. There was a man who tried hard to pull himself together, and then squeezed himself on[to] the bus. But because he was drunk, so he banged in here and there and bumped into everybody nearby on the way to the bus. And it was a crowded bus as well, very crowded. So a woman was very angry, an old lady was very angry and said to him, “I hate to tell you this, son, but you’re going straight to hell.” So the man said, “Oh, I must be taking the wrong bus.”
I think I told this joke also already, but it’s fun, so you may hear it again before you can get the tape from the residents. There was a professor giving a test to the students, a kind of final test. He handed out all the tests and went back to wait for them. After the test finished, the students gave back their results to the professor. And there was one test with a $100 bill attached to it, and there was a note also saying, “$1 per point.” Talking about blackmailing. The next time, the next day, the professor handed the test back out, with his points, of course. And that student got back his test and $64 change.
One dollar per point. Don’t bribe me. Because if you give me $100 like that at the time of your test, I will keep it all. And I will tell you, it’s not enough. You got 1,000 points. You’d owe me $900. Because you’re so good, so good, so excellent, that I would give you 1,000 points instead.
I think I told you or someone already this, but it’s very funny. There was a guy who went into a bar and ordered drinks. The first time, he ordered five glasses of beer, alcohol, and then they went straight down, one, two, three, quick. And then he ordered another five. And then one, two, three, four, five – again, quick. And then he ordered another five. One, two, three, four, five, quick. And then, he began to shake his head and trying to open his eyes. He didn’t feel good now. He didn’t feel good at all. So he ordered four glasses instead now. And then one, two, three, four, also straight up, hop. And he even felt a little worse. So he ordered three. “Three glasses, please.” And one, two, three, also oops! Finito, quick. And then he really felt bad now, he felt bad. He tried to pull his head, his chin up and said… He ordered two glasses. But then, he also drank it straight down. And he really couldn’t open his eyes anymore. So he ordered one glass only, and he took it, also quickly. And then he kept shaking his head and trying to keep himself straight. And then he complained to the bartender, “You know, this is really strange. The less I drink, the more drunk I became.” He’s trying to quit.
At the shipment company – they ship things to other countries and other people – so, the inspector came to tell the workers… It was a new guy. A new guy just came into this company to work. So, he tried to be friendly, the inspector tried to be friendly with him, so he talked to him, chatted with him and said, “You know, Jack, it is good that you did what I asked, that you put the stamp on each box like ‘Fragile. This side up.’ You really did that, and I’m very pleased with you.” So, the new worker said, “Yes, sir, of course. And just to make sure, I stamped the same on the bottom too.” Yeah, yeah. Just like some of you guys, just too “good” for me, too “good” to be true.
Oh, I think I didn’t have time to go through the… Oh, I did some of this. Oh. I think I told them already. I told these jokes already, but I guess it’s... There’s also another [one about] alcohol stuff. In the class, the teacher said to the student, “Alcohol is very bad for our health. Really, really, we should try to avoid drinking alcohol. There was an experiment done with dog(-people). The one, they gave alcohol to, and to the other one, they gave normal food. The one [that] they gave alcohol to mixed together with food, afterward, the dog(-person) became ill and sick and vomited and showed signs of being very drowsy and weak and lying there without movement for a long time. So, can you, good students, tell me what does this show? What can we learn from this?” So, a student said, “Teacher, I know. This shows that we should never give alcohol to dog(-people).” “Alcohol is only for humans to drink.” This is very good. My God, it sounds like us, some of us. “Master says this, Master says that, but that’s only for everybody else, it’s not for me.”
There’s another story, I think I told it already. There was an idiot guy who wrote a letter and put the stamp on it and everything. And on the outside of the envelope, he wrote: “To my brother, the engineer in the Capital,” for example. And then the other friend looked and said, “My God, you wrote it like that? How can anyone find your brother?” He said, “You idiot. I have only one brother who is [an] engineer. I don’t have that many that they couldn’t find him.”
And there was a lady who took a taxi to her home, and then she told the taxi to stop where her home was. She said, “OK, here. Here is good.” And then she asked the taxi driver, “How much is it?” He said, “Ten dollars.” So after searching in her purse, she said, “Could you please go back 500 meters? I only have seven dollars.”
A grandfather came home with two blessed (vegan) candies, showed them to his grandson… Can you hear me or is it…? Is it good? (Yes.) OK. It feels like… And one was … Is it green? Green is the color of hope, or is it blue? (I think it’s green.) Green. OK. One was green, one was red. It doesn’t matter anyway. One green, one red, and [he] asked him, “Which (vegan) candy would you like to take?” So he took the green one. And just for curiosity, the grandfather asked him, “Why’d you pick the green (vegan) candy and not the red? The red sure looks prettier.” And the grandson said, “I picked the green because green is the color of hope.” So the grandfather said, “Hm! That’s good. What are you hoping for?” He said, “I hope you will give me the red as well.”
Photo Caption: “Prepare, Open One’s Heart for an Enlightening Future”
